I said, ‘No, it is not my portion and it will never be.’

Mom grabbed the attending doctor at Shepherd’s Hospital Ikoyi. I’ve driven past that hospital several times–its environment has always been alluring to me. Imagine me, hanging my stethoscope around my neck and walking around in my white, starched lab coat. The feeling was exhilarating. 

Never, for once did I imagine that the beautiful Shepherd’s Hospital will offer us a bed in the pediatric wing. 

Leuki- what?

‘Leukemia does not run in my vein, the Blood of Jesus does and Leukemia does not run in my baby’s blood, the Blood of Jesus does.’

It’s been three days since Mosun was rushed here and she hasn’t said a word. She has only nodded or smiled or winced in pain when moved around-her eyes blinking out commands when needed. 

“Lord, your promise is that I and the children whom You have given me are for signs and wonders. Mosunmola, I decree that you are for signs and wonders…the number of your days you will fulfill. There shall no evil befall you. You shall not die but live to declare the goodness of God in the land of the living!”

Mom kept on quoting scriptures and dad kept praying in tongues. All Jide and I did was take turns singing and reading out scriptural references to her.

The past three days felt like three decades.

Until the fifth day. Mom and dad had gone home to get a change of clothes while Jide and I insisted we would wait till they came back for us. I felt a hand poke my side as I dozed off beside Mosun’s bed. Initially I ignored it but when I felt the jab again I sat up, only to find Mosun up at me. Wide awake and grinning from ear to ear. 

“After you will say you’re watching me ba?” she pouted in our local vernacular. “Look at how both of you are sleeping like Jesus’ disciples in the Garden of Gethsemane.” 

I hissed playfully–full of relief that she had finally come around–before waking the sleeping prophet, Jide.

He almost grabbed her off the bed.

“Mosun, don’t scare us like that again, Haba na.” 

“I’m sorry”, came a childlike response, “but I am hungry.” 

After a cup of hot chocolate she felt alive and talkative again.

It was our turn to pepper her with questions. “Why did you scream? What did you see?”

“Easy, easy, fellow citizens”, she piqued. “Avail yourselves for tonight’s meeting and you will have all questions answered.” 

We both rolled our eyes; this Mosun is something else.

“Please where is my daddy?”

“So, you will not ask of your mommy too? We all turned, surprised at how fast our parents got here.”

Shouts of thanksgiving joyfully echoed throughout the room! 

Mom worshipped and rolled on the hospital floor.

Jide was eager to go home, but the doctor insisted on keeping Mosun one more night.

We all slept off. 

At  3 a.m. Mosun woke us up with her singing:

Elohim, Eternal One!

Elohim You never change!

It was so loud that we couldn’t sleep. Groggy with sleep, we joined in the song and after several repeats, she stopped and started to recite the Psalms. 

At this point, I was feeling a bit uncomfortable. I started to notice the room getting brighter than before and I mentioned it to Jide, whispering to him but he was confused. Maybe I was dreaming.

As Mosun got to the last verse, she stopped. 

“Daddy, please pray for us.”

Daddy obeyed without questions, but his prayers were out of sync, at least to me.

“Eternal King, unquestionable Father, You Who does as You please and non dare question You. Thank you for all that you have done in my life and family. Thank you for the cross of Jesus and it’s efficacious Blood. Thank you for Mosun, for calling her to yourself. We commend her into your hands. Keep her and heal her completely. Let the glory that you have shown us through her life radiate brightly everyday and as we prepare for heaven, make us worthy servants, Thank you Lord, In Jesus’ Name. Amen.

Mosun’s amen was the loudest. 

Then she exclaimed,

“Thank you Daddy, Thank you Mommy, Thank you Auntie Sharon and Uncle Jide!” (I was amazed. This was the first time she would refer to Jide and I as Uncle and Auntie. 

“Thank you for taking care of me, but now I want to rest. I will sleep and wake up in the morning, ok?

Please wait for me o.”

At this point, my dad was on his feet and mom was shaking her head. 

“Mosun, why are you thanking us?”

“Because that’s what I’m supposed to be doing na mommy?

Just let me sleep, I’ll wake up in the morning. Please wait for me o.”

With that she laid down and was quiet.

The room became suddenly dim. I tapped my dad. “Did you lower the light in the room?”

He replied in the negative.

I looked at the clock. It was 5:50 a.m.

I looked at Mosun, she was peacefully sleeping–so calm–but something was off. 

I touched her, she didn’t stir. 

“Did she not just fall asleep?”

I poked her. She didn’t move.

“Mommy, Mosun is too quiet!” I cried with alarm. 

Mom called and Dad touched, fearing and dreading to say the least expected.

“But she was just talking a minute ago.”

I rushed out to get the nurses and possibly the doctor.

After minutes of examining, the doctor stood up and looked at us. From one face to another.

“Were you all in this room with her?” 

“Yes sir”, came the collective response.

“I’m sorry to say this sir”, he held my dad’s shoulder, “but we lost her.”

It was like a dream. Or movie. The room began to spin and I heard  a thud.

My mom had fainted.

I screamed at the top of my lungs.

“Mosunmola! Wake up now! Don’t wait till the morning.” I pleaded.

I wish my tears could bring her back. We would cry her a river. 

But I would never forget her words: “Please wait for me… I’ll wake up in the morning”. 

~~~~~~~~

A hand on my shoulder brought me back to reality.

It was Jide. 

I turned to him. Unknown to me,  I was physically crying.

“Sister Mi, what happened? Why are you crying?” That was when I realized I had been actually crying.

I held Jide as if he was going to disappear in a moment.

“I remembered Mosun.” I replied in a hushed whisper.

At this point, Jide held me so tightly and for some minutes we both cried. 

Death is wicked.

Oh death where is thy sting, Oh grave where is thy victory?

As I released Jide, I held his face in my hands.

“Jide, Mosun has gone to be with the Lord. All we are left with on this side of eternity are memories. Memories that bind us together but make no mistake, we will see her again.

You believed that. You preached that. You practiced that.

What changed now, Jide? Where did you miss it?”

Jide stepped out of my hold, straightened his shirt, kissed me on the forehead and picked up his bag. 

As I watched his shoulders square up, I knew today would be like other days too. He had rejected the call of the Savior again. 

I walked behind him calling tenderly. “ Jide, please don’t go.”

He walked to the door, looked back at me and shut the door behind him.

The resounding finality of the door shutting shook me.

I dropped to the ground and wept. A certain weight dropped upon my heart that I knew only a trip to the secret place could lift. Right there at the entrance, I poured my heart out to God with only one request on my lips–“Please bring Jide back”.

I eyed him from head to toe and wished he was the same thirteen year old boy who clung to his mini keyboard.  You could hear him always humming to a tune or the other.

The slap I would have given him, for two days he might still be nursing his face.

“Jide, Olajide Victor”,

How many times did I call you and how many ears do you have? I called sternly.

Frustrated that he’s not being reasonable.

“Sister mi, relax, it’s not as bad as you think”

“For crying out loud, Jide, you were brought up in the ways of the Lord and….

“Taught the precepts of the bible,  he completed.

“Do you know how many times you have said that?”

He smiled,  tickling my ear.

“Relax, I’m a young man with fresh blood. Besides,  I only go to the club to be with my friends.  I don’t mess around.
Cynthia is my only babe, we’re engaged already. I don’t have eyes for another lady”.

“Jide, but a life outside Jesus is like a chick playing in an open field. The hawks can descend at anytime to pick it up”.

“Say that to your fake Pastor Obinkwo.  The very man that taught me the Bible yet he stabbed me at the back. Or to your mommy Gladys assistant women leader. How she connived to make my life miserable.  Hope they’re like chickens too in an open field?

I opened my mouth to shut him up, then heard a throat clearing.

We both turned to see my husband.
He walked up to Jide and they shook hands.

“Good evening sir,  I didn’t know you were in”.  Jide greeted.

“Jide the bobo!,  how will you know when you didn’t ask”

They both laughed.

They made small talks here and there and left for the living room.

I knew the tactics was to get Jide from me.

I texted my husband.  ” but we’re not done talking “.

“I know, you will continue later”. Came his response.

Turning on the blender I drifted to the past. I knew what Jide said was true,  but how do I make him let go of those memories.  They were too hurtful to remember.

Dad and mom were strong Christians, eager to do anything and go anywhere. For us kids it was an adventure when dad announced one day that he has joined the evangelism/ missions outreach. We knew what that meant; more travel time.

What we didn’t know was that few months after this dad will go the extra mile.

” I don’t understand what you are saying again, what do you mean quit?.

It was my mom. Her voice was angry. She was supposed to come pick us up from school but after an hour of waiting all three of us walked home.

I meant, I would like to go with the missions team to Kubwa, to join others in planning churches.  And if necessary I would quit my job.

Rara o!

I say ‘mba’

Missions yes, quit your job , a big fat ‘No’.

Since when did this leading come?

What will happen to us?
How will we survive?

Mom asked before storming out of the bedroom.

We have never seen them quarrel before. But whatever will make mom forget her kids at school was quite intense.

She was shocked to see us.

” how did you get home?
Oh no, I totally forgot.
I’m so sorry.

Dad came out with a strained face.
He had forgotten us too.

The trip to Kubwa did hold, but dad didn’t quit his job.

I didn’t know the details but he came home a month after being away.

He was so lean but happy.

Mom cried and hugged him.

But Jide wasn’t home that day. He had gone for choir practice. And he came back home with the story of a new girl in the choir; Ayomikun.

Jide focus on your 200l exams and forget Ayomikun.

I scolded that day. We only came home to see dad.

At dinner we laughed and talked, Jide humming to Jay Mikee new song “Heaven”, me, asking dad for more stories from the mission field. And Mosun, leaning on dad, and asking if she can go next time too.
Maybe,  but that would be during your holidays.

Mosun at 16 was thrilled.  I looked at her and laughed.  I have never met a teenager like Mosun. Who wants to spend her summer holiday in Kubwa,  no good water, good roads, no stable electricity.  What about the mosquitoes? I asked her

Humph! “My blood is bitter for the mosquitoes.”

We are laughed,  “you mean this your skinny arms and legs that they can’t even find any flesh to bite”?

Mommy!,  hear what she’s saying, Mosun whined.

“It’s true na”.

“Leave my baby alone for me, my mom cautioned.  Mosun stuck her tongue out while picking the chicken from dad’s plate.

Then she turned my dad’s face to hers.
Daddy,  I’m having that headache again.

“Sorry my baby girl”.  My dad whispered.

We prayed and went to bed.
But our sleep was interrupted by a scream.

A scream that would change our lives forever.

WHEN GOD SEEMS DISTANT OR SILENT

Is God really distant from his children? Or do circumstances make us believe that He is?

Even David in Psalms 83 experienced a moment he felt God was actually silent. He could no longer contain himself, he had to cry out to God for help asking why he was silent and distant from him.

First of all the word ‘seems’ means to appear like. That means it looks like but it is not what it actually is.

Let’s take Elijah as a case study.
I Kings chapter 19.

Right after chapter 18 with major victories. We see chapter 19. It’s in chapter 18 that the drought of 3 and a half years ended. Elijah put into action the word of God” I give you the keys of the kingdom of heaven; whatever you bind on earth will be bound in heaven, and whatever you loose on earth will be loosed in heaven.” Matthew 16:19.
He proceeded to put the prophets of Baal in their place, fire came down.

But in chapter 19 God seems far away. So far that Elijah ad to run away, yet God was silent.

He had to run for his dear life at the threat of Jezebel. Then in verse 3, he prayed a distraught prayer.
1 Kings 19:3 KJV- he was asking God to take his life.
It was a discouraging prayer, God was nowhere near Elijah and he could feel it or so he thought.

Are there times we feel God is nowhere near us?

Yes!
In fact in this journey called life, we will experience storms, delays, over and over again. But there is a way out. Hallelujah !

Verse 4 caught my attention. With all that was going on, Elijah went to sleep.
How can one be sleeping at that point?

The bible didn’t state if the sleep was due to sheer exhaustion or God induced it. But we do know that he slept.

Recently, Mommy Bamiloye answered a question as someone wanted to know what to do when God is silent. She gave a simple, yet profound answer.
“Go to sleep”
Child of God, you’ve prayed and prayed yet God seems far, you’ve called and called, yet He’s ‘not’ answering, Could you do well to just sleep?

It’s easier said than done, I know. But things happen when godly people sleep under the Savior’s watch.
Notice I said ‘ sleep under the Savior’s watch‘.
It means that you are telling him, all of the storms, the unanswered prayers, the questions, and the confusion, HE knows all of them and you trust him to bring you the right answer. You are leaving Him to do the work alone while you relax and see the answers manifest.

But what happens when we sleep and nothing is showing forth?
I hear you ask?

Then you’re not really sleeping. Because in sleeping you become only conscious to the Savior’s touch

Before we go ahead let’s look at things that could make God seem distant.
1. Sin – Isaiah 59 vs 1–
Nothing withholds God’s hands and cause Him not to act for us than sin. If sin is the cause then deal with it, ask God for forgiveness and disentangle your self from such sin.

2. Unforgiveness
And the devil knows so he brings the hurt subtly afresh again to you and you begin to replay it.
One of the subtle issues that have robbed us today of divine help is unforgiveness. I mean that kind that says ” I’ve forgiven you” but as you walk away you mutter in your heart. ” I’ll never have anything to do with you again lai lai”. Yet each time you hear a similar situation or sees the person, the scenario comes back afresh. Let it go.

3. Worry- worry is just a mixture of faithlessness and fear.
It is putting your burdens down at the Savior’s feet then going back to check and check, after a while you pick it up and walk around with it. When you feel its weight again you bring it back to the Savior’s feet. But you never really take your eyes off it. Worry.

During my undergrad years, I experienced what I felt a silent period from God.
Here was I a teenage girl from Nigeria, far away in another land. I knew God brought me here ( testimony for another day). I was one of the best students in my secondary school days. But when I started college here I cannot seem to understand.
The first and second year was great but the third year was hard, I mean really hard. After failing my core classes, I lost my Gov’t aid. I feared that I would be kicked out. During this time, I was near depression. I would check my life over and over but everywhere was closed. Just locked. My friend stood by me, praying for me and with me, yet God was silent and very distant.
The shocking part was that I would teach my colleagues, they will pass and I will fail

As one of the praise and worship leader at church, I started to feel sad each time I climbed the pulpit to minister.
But surprisingly God always takes the glory.
But I began to worry.

I remembered one of the days, I had to lie after failing my exams, I just couldn’t bring myself to tell my classmate I had failed. Again!. I got on the bus to go back home and as I spoke with my mom, I told her what I did and I cried.
People on the bus were teary-eyed too. What could make this young girl cry so loud
And I was never a cry cry baby fa!

My family was praying, the church was praying and I was praying. I had told God I wanted to graduate with honors. But after failing so many times. I just wanted to finish and be done.
I opted to change my major to something else. Until my pastor stopped me.

He said ‘ Fortune, anything that God starts he finishes’
That hit me hard. I went back to pray and God said
” If you will learn to trust me, without alternatives, then I will show up”. I’m just paraphrasing here.

At that point, I wept and hands up. I was done worrying. I was done with depression.
This brings me to my next point.

4. No alternatives.
God will be distant when we have alternatives
Child of God hear this ”
*The Lord chooses when and how to reveal his glory,* but until then, no alternatives ”
This is you saying to God, I know there are options, I know there are alternatives but as for me, it is only You or You.
Ahhh, God honors such prayers and He moves heaven and earth to come through for you.

Back to my testimony

The weekend before our major exam we had a program at church ( I’m active with the campus ministry too). From Thursday till Sunday I was busy with the program and the exam was on Monday fa.
I read only on Sunday evening and GOD SHOWED UP’.
When the result came I not only got one of the best grades in the class, that was the beginning of my breakthroughs.
I graduated with my RN ( cum laude). BSN, out of a 4.0 CGPA. I had 3.95 CGPA.
I graduated with Summa cum laude ( Highest honors). That is first class in Nigeria

Psalm 145: 18 and 19 show us that God is not distant. No, he is not. Here’s what it says;
The Lord is near to all who call on him,
to all who call on him in truth.
19 He fulfills the desires of those who fear him;
he hears their cry and saves them.

So what do I do when God is distant?
1. Check your life. – let sin not reign over your mortal bodies as becometh saints.

2. Know your rights in Christ. – sometimes the promises are not activated coz we don’t know who we are as children of God.

3. Rest in Faith ( Sleep)

4. Let your worship soar. There’s power in worship.

5. Keep your prayer altar burning

6. Know the Word, Speak the word, encourage your self in the word as David did.
” the words that I speak to you, they are Spirit and they are life”

7. Words of affirmation
SHUT THE DEVIL UP.!

8. Remain in His promise

9. Pray, Pray , Pray – the effectual fervent prayer of a righteous man avails much. Pray till your joy is full.

10. Don’t stay alone. Have a godly friend who can keep you accountable and you can knock on heaven’s door together. My friend was one of my strongest support. Sometimes she would just hold me and bring food for me to eat. But she was always praying.

Lastly,
When God is silent or seems distant,
He wants you to grow.
I king 19 vs 7,8.
God wanted to teach Elijah some things. After that encounter, Elijah went for 40 days till he came to Horeb. God was waiting for him there to school him, to help him grow.
So till God comes through. Grow in grace.
I’ll leave you with these verses
Psalms 16 vs 8
2 Tim. 4 vs 17.
Psalms 5 vs 12.
Don’t forget to sleep under the Savior’s watch. You are loved!

Heavenly Father we thank you. I’m excited to have a Father like You and knowledge of this swells my heart. Thank you for the Cross.
Thank you for your love.
I’ve been thinking you are distant but now I know you want me to grow You. You want me to sleep and you want me to rest in you. Today I come to you, put me in that unconscious sleep that I am only aware of your touch and power. ( tear your request) Today I tear my requests and I promise not to allow worry make me go back to pick them again. I rest in you.
I sleep, Lord, I’m sleeping in You. Thank you for hearing and answering me. In Jesus name Amen.

Photo Credit : Canva

All the medical personnel left the room soon after to give the family some privacy. The room quieted down. Ronke and Eghosa stared at the little one.
Ronke couldn’t cry. As much as she tried, no tears came but her heart felt shredded in pieces.

“Lord, why did you allow me to carry this one till term? It had been better if my hopes weren’t raised. I had dreamed of being a mother. I fantasized about holding this one. I even waited until now to see the gender of the baby.” She lamented quietly.

Even though he slay me, yet will I trust

 him.

The bible verse came back to her from the book of Job. She was reading that two days ago.

And Eghosa?

She couldn’t bear to look at Eghosa. The man has endured many things. He has been her constant support. His hopes of being a father once again dashed in pieces.

“I’m sorry” she mouthed to him without looking at him.

She felt his hands envelop hers and as it tightened she knew he was praying.

Just a week ago, she had gone with Eghosa and Dele’s family for an official party. Eghosa and Dele had been invited to speak as the only company that won the contract. She was afterward introduced to the CEO and was surprised he was Jewish.

The man carried so much grace and gentleness. He introduced them to his wife and kids. A 4 four-year-old boy and a 6-month-old baby girl. Their little baby caught Ronke’s admiration and she wasted no time in asking to hold her. As the baby laughed and cooed, she imagined a day like it with her own child or children. She asked the mother for the baby’s name.

‘Tehillah’ the mother had told her.
“What language is that?” Ronke asked. “I love the pronunciation.”
“Thank you.” The new mother replied. “It’s Hebrew, Tehillah means Praise.” She daily reminds me of God’s faithfulness. We called her Tehillah as a constant reminder of God’s love towards us.

Hmm, I love that name. Ronke gushed.

And now……,

Her expectations were cut short; her prayers left unanswered.

How would she walk around now without attracting pity from all who knew her? Just yesterday she was very pregnant and today she is childless, with very flat abdomen.

She looked up at Eghosa who held her hand. Together they formed a hold over the baby’s back as Eghosa prayed. Though his words were not very audible she knew he was praying. She also knew there is a possibility of a miracle. Suddenly the room felt charged, Eghosa began praying tongues

Ronke closed her eyes. This time her tears poured.

Even though You slay me, yet will I trust You,

For Your love is better than life
Your Love is better than life
Your Love is better than life

She moved her lips quietly repeating those words.

Suddenly, she heard a faint cry. Then another faint cry. It grew louder.
That sounded too close. Ronke thought.
Has she been too overwhelmed by the desire to hold her child that has begun to hallucinate the cry of a baby even when hers is stone-cold dead and in her arms. She smiled sarcastically to herself

Her thoughts were interrupted by another cry.

Eghosa loosened his hands from hers. She opened her eyes and looked at him. He looked ghostly like he also heard something. She moved the baby lying on her chest and realized she has been crying but the sound was muffled because her face was flat on her chest.
Ronke was still trying to come to terms with this reality when she heard Eghosa scream.

“She’s alive! She’s alive!”

He rushed to the theatre door, pushed his head halfway through the door and gave out a deafening shriek “Doctor!” He rushed back in almost immediately.

“Hallelujah, Hallelujah, Lord we give You praise.” Eghosa was jumping up and down in excitement

Ronke stared in shock. Her baby was moving and crying too. Then it suddenly hit her and she screamed the loudest “My baby is alive!”

The room was soon flooded by hospital staff and other patients or their caregivers. The baby was examined and was in perfect condition. Eghosa kept crying and so was Ronke.
Then she heard in her spirit.
TEHILLAH

I just heard the name ‘Tehillah’  Eghosa said.
Tehillah
Tehillah
Tehillah

“Me too,, I heard that too, for the Lord has given us reasons to sing. She will be a reminder of God’s faithfulness and love to us.”

Eghosa nodded in affirmation and began to sing.

I held my head in my hands
And bowed to the earth
Not in worship but in shame
For all, I have imagined to be
Were wiped away before me
As much as I tried to see
Or understand even in bits
I came to the realization that
Things were not going my way
So I came to You and brought them to You
My hurt, my shame, my pain
Seeking answers, seeking solutions
But what You gave me was more
Much more than I could imagine

Instead of giving answers you gave me Your love
Instead of giving solutions, You gave me a path
Instead of taking my pain away, You gave me healing
Without a trace or scar from my wounds
Jesus -You added double for my shame and caused me to dance
Now all I sing is nothing, just nothing BUT YOUR PRAISE

–
– TEHILLAH
I hope you enjoyed reading this short story as much as I enjoyed writing it. The bible says “ weeping may endure for a night, but joy comes in the morning (Psalms 30 vs 5). Over and over again, we see God’s faithfulness. I see his call for us to draw near, so close to Him. His promises never go unfulfilled and His love is better than life. I pray our lives will constantly be filled with blessings and lessons that we will always have reasons to lift our voices in praise to God. I pray that TEHILLAH will give healing and give hope even to mothers waiting for the fruit of the womb and homes aching for the wine of love. May Praises never cease from our lips. In Jesus’ name, Amen. TEHILLAH.

What lessons have you learned?

I look forward to reading from you.

Remember, God’s love is better than life.

Photo Credit: Canva